Politically Correct Christmas Tips
Written by: Hart Seely of the Syracuse Herald American.

RAGING CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?

POLITICALLY CORRECT SOLUTION: Live tree, planted after use.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT SOLUTION: Fake tree, discarded after use.

CHRISTMAS IDEAL: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits.

CHRISTMAS REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May 31, adorned with furballs.

RAGING CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?

POLITICALLY CORRECT SOLUTION: Each bulb blinks to its own chosen rhythm.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT SOLUTION: Bulbs flash logo of tree's corporate sponsor.

CHRISTMAS IDEAL: Elegant flickering candles.

CHRISTMAS REALITY: Elegant smoldering cigarettes. Tree bursts into flames, burns house down.

RAGING CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?

POLITICALLY CORRECT SOLUTION: Gender-neutral angel quashes submissive female stereotype.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT SOLUTION: Blond angel, kneeling, in Hooter's T-shirt.

CHRISTMAS IDEAL: Authentic angel swoops in from heaven, saves lives.

CHRISTMAS REALITY: Hell's Angel stops in for dinner, drinks beer.

RAGING CONTROVERSY: Do yo fling or hang tinsel?

POLITICALLY CORRECT SOLUTION: Fling, empowering each strand with self-determining skills.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT SOLUTION: Hang them. Now.

CHRISTMAS IDEAL: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti.

CHRISTMAS REALITY: Icicles hang next to actual strands of spaghetti.

RAGING CONTROVERSY: Do you open gifts Christmas morning or Christmas Eve?

POLITICALLY CORRECT SOLUTION: Gifts opened on individual schedules.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT SOLUTION: Do it Christmas Eve, so the giving is over in time to enjoy Rush Limbaugh's afternoon show.

CHRISTMAS IDEAL: "Mommy, Daddy, get up, it's Christmas!"

CHRISTMAS REALITY: "Mommy, Daddy, get up, it's Christmas!"